Hair Story
So you may have noticed my new “do”. :) It’s been quite a roller coaster of emotions these past few weeks and I can’t say my hair journey has been easy – in fact, sometimes I wish I had just taken the straightforward path instead of making it so complicated! So, where do I start? Most people know that chemo causes hair loss. I have to admit that when I knew I would be going through chemo, I thought the hair loss was not a big deal. I thought, “Eh, I’ll wear a wig, and just cosplay as Asajj Ventress!” But as my first day of chemo approached and I sat there reading those breast cancer forums, I got the idea that maybe, there was a way around the hair loss. Enter Cold Caps, which I’ve described as basically a really really cold ice pack for your head (-32 degrees Celsius to be exact). The science behind it is this – you wear it during chemo, numbing your hair follicles so that they don’t get the toxins and therefore don’t fall out. Supposedly the success rate is something like 50-70%. And considering I have a lot of hair to begin with, I thought that wasn’t too bad! It was a bit pricey, but I kept my fingers crossed that maybe my insurance would cover it. So as day 1 approached, my husband and I bought our proper materials – about 100 pounds of dry ice, giant coolers, and an infrared temperature gun just to name a few.
On my first chemo day, we enthusiastically started the whole 8 hours process. I would have to wear the caps 4 hours during chemo and 4 hours after. I’m not even going to try and sugar coat it because wearing -32 degree ice on your head was F-ing uncomfortable. In fact, I’m not even sure how I powered through. In total, I wore the caps for 8 hours x 4 = 32 hours in total. And I may have been the one wearing them, but my husband did all the labor – helping me switch them out, checking the cap temperatures, and keeping track of their rotations (16 times per session), which was a feat in itself.
So, did it work? Well, not really. As the weeks passed, I did shed less and less, but still continued to lose lots and lots of hair. In the end, I was left with maybe <20% of my hair, always had to wear a beanie (that goodness it was winter) and ended up still wearing a wig after all the treatment was over. If I had to do it again, I wouldn’t. Even 3 months after treatment, I was still really hesitant to cut off what was left of my hair only because my husband and I had spent so much time and effort just to save that bit of hair! But in the end, I knew I had to let it go and be free of the wig.
Wearing my “new” hair out in front of people was initially really tough. I lied to people when they asked why I “cut” it, saying I just needed a change. Some people said I was so brave to “take the plunge” and cut it all off even though in reality, I had no choice. Someone even asked if I donated my hair to which I said I didn’t, and then realized that I probably sounded completely heartless for not! Even though I cut my hair about 3 weeks ago, it was only until last week that I felt comfortable enough to even post my first pic of me with my new cut. And sure, I know lots of people have commented how “bad ass” I might look (and I’m so humbled by people’s reaction to the photos I’ve posted), but to me, I just didn’t feel like myself. There are still some days I hate looking in the mirror, but I’m trying to adapt to my new self. I know some of you are probably thinking, “It’s just hair”, but it’s hard to understand how it feels until you start losing it. I can only say that losing my hair has made me realize how reliant I am/was on my hair and that maybe it was a huge security blanket for me. I may feel naked without my long hair, but maybe that’s a good thing because it’s time to embrace who I really am under all of this.
Thanks for reading and for the skimmers-
TL;DR: Tried to save my hair using cold caps, but it didn’t really work. Having short hair has been a rough experience, but I’ve learned a lot from it. :)
17 Comments
Hillary Flinn
Thanks so much for opening up about this. I’m sure you hear it all the time now, but your hair looks fantastic! :)
Hillary | http://www.flinntrospection.com
Lisa Stein
I too rely on my hair for part of my self image. Women of all ages who
Go through this especially grieve losing longer hair. I look
Forward to hearing about what you learn about yourself under your hair. Miss you!
Marcie
I’m sorry you’re struggling with having short hair. You do look absolutely stunning though, and you might actually like it once you get more comfortable. As a person who’s had hair that’s shorter than yours is right now (currently similar length to yours), I found that the lack of maintenance (brushing/lots of shampooing/blow drying/straightening) made me feel a lot less stressed.
Rachel Andes
I know it was scary to show the world your short do, but we love you for you not your hair!
Anne
Hi Emily,
During the holidays and all throughout January I was undergoing radiation treatment for a type of salivary gland cancer. Prior to the start of treatment, I got a really short bob haircut just as a precautionary measure because it was getting long but didn’t want to end up getting a haircut in the middle of treatment. It turns out it wasn’t enough, as the mask I had to wear for treatment and my hair were still getting kind of tangled together and I was getting a build up in my hair from the ointment I had to apply to my cheek/neck, so I ended up going with a modified pixie cut about 3.5 weeks in to treatment (very similar to what Mandy Moore had in the movie “How to Deal”). At this same time I had discovered I had lost the backside of all of my hair on my right side, so I get the frustration and the feeling of “not being yourself.” It’s nowhere near as significant as your loss but I get comments all the time about how cute it looks this short but truth is I kind of really hate it, probably because it doesn’t feel me and the fact that it’s not quite grown back 100% makes me feel like I’m lopsided.
The only thing I can say is hang in there! It’ll be back before you know it and if you ever need to talk one cancer survivor to another, don’t hesitate to reach out.
Best,
Anne
https://thesockmonkeymusicbox.wordpress.com
B
You look amazing with short hair, but honestly you can rock anything!
Jengah
Keep kicking ass M!
Beckie
I know long hair was a part of your identity, a security blanket you had become accustomed to having and it does suck you lost it, despite your best (and uncomfortable) efforts.
Not everyone can be as brave as you have been through all this, and I cannot imagine what it’s like to kick Cancer’s ass, but I do know one thing: hair grows and the fact that you are still here, surrounded by people that love you means more then a few inches of hair.
I wish you all the best as you continue with everything.
emilyo
Thank you. And yes, I’m so excited that it’s growing pretty normally despite some people saying their hair grew back in different textures, colors, etc. It’s challenging to feel “normal” after cancer, but I think I’m trying to embrace my new normal these days.
crimsonanna
It’s not “just hair”, it’s a big part of self image. I think we all know how a bad hair day can ruin it. I haven’t lost my hair, but stopped dying it, and actually I’m trying to get who I am when it went from black to my natural brown.
Lots of love to you on your way to finding the new short hair you. In my eyes, you look like a rock goddess =)
emilyo
aw, thank you so much for your message. Glad other people seem to understand that it’s not “just hair” too.
gamerwife
You look amazing with short hair. Wear it like the badge of courage it is!
emilyo
Thanks, Mariko! <3
Nicté Trujillo
You are allowed to feel attached to your hair and to re-learn how to work around a new hair style. I admire you so much for all that you’ve endured and how badass you’ve continued to look through it all.
I’ve never had to cut my hair for health reasons but I did donate it when I graduated from the university, and man did people feel entitled to telling me whatever they felt about it! so I get that awkward convo about the questions and what not. Don’t mind the people, shrug it off and sashay the f** away from them.
Thank you for being amazing,
emilyo
aw, thank you so much! Seriously, right? People are SO opinionated when you do something drastic with your hair. What I really don’t get is when people ask “Do you like it?” haha. No, I hate it!! Anyhow, thanks for your support. I couldn’t be strong without you guys! <3
queenmyrtlejoyce21
Your short hair is screaming badass, and I’m very glad that you’ve got your new hair! Really love the style that becomes a real struggle, and rest assured that your hairstyle tries to deserve a lot of styles despite the changes. (Rest assured I have to get a haircut anytime soon but with matching badass side bangs XD.)
SC
Hi there, I just discovered your blog! I am 31 and just finished chemo for breast cancer. Cold Caps didn’t work for me either, sadly – I have about 15 percent of my original hair. How long did it take for yours to fill in & get thicker? It looks great, I hope I can have a cut like this once mine grows in. I’ll be following your blog for fashion inspiration!