The 5 Year Update

For the past 5 years I’ve always dreaded September. September means my yearly mammogram, ultrasound, and the fear that something new could appear in my scans. I really don’t mind the mammogram. It also helps since I only have one side to look at, not two! :) It’s slightly uncomfortable, but goes by quickly. Then we move into the room with the ultrasound. This always makes me nervous. I lie there as the technician clicks her mouse, marking any masses or suspect areas that she finds. Why is she clicking so much? Is she marking a new mass or an old one? I had 4 benign masses at the time I was diagnosed and I wonder if those are the ones she’s marking. The colorful marine life poster on the ceiling of the patient room is supposed to be comforting, but it provides very little support. Finally it’s over and I wait there for the results. Finally the doctor walks in and hands me a pink foil wrapped piece of dark chocolate that she’s given me for the past 4 years of being cancer free. Hooray! Now on to the next appointment.

After all this, there’s still a visit to my oncologist for a physical check up. I hope for a good technician who won’t have to poke me twice to draw my blood and luckily the guy I get is super quick and doesn’t miss. Then I see my oncologist. He asks how I’m doing and if I’ve had any recent changes or side effects from the medication. How’s my overall health? How am I feeling? He asks me tough questions about the future of my body that I hate thinking about, yet I’m forced to because of the situation. He does some physical checks and the 15 minutes goes by quickly. We say goodbye for now since I’ll see him in another 6 months like I have for the past many years. Phew, I can finally relax again.

This is what my doctor calls my “new normal”. Life after breast cancer. It’s rare for a day to go by where I don’t think about my past and what I went through. It’s a life changing experience and just becomes part of you. It motivates you, can bring you down, give you anxiety, but it’s just part of your life now. It took many years to really feel back to myself and on most days I embrace my “new normal”. But let’s be real. I’ve had plenty of days where I’ve proclaimed “F*& the new normal. I want my old self back!”. It’s ok to feel that way and sometimes you just need a good cry. Like I said, it’s ups and downs, but that’s ok. Just gotta take it one day at a time and celebrate little victories such as these!